2004-03-04
subsiding faith
:: beck ::
im begining to think that "giving it your all" or "putting all of your heart" into something is a waste of time. And by doing so, you're begging for an emotional beating.
ive come to understand a new truth. an idea that i've never desired to belive in, is an actual reality. weare all alone in life. here, on earth, theres no one on our side. no one to genuinely care for and love us.
being in love does not assure you that same love in return. i can only do so much, and however selfish it may seem, without some sort of compensation, or a feeling of gratitude or significance, i lose hope. there is no longer a purpot to my honesty.
you have to have some sort of satisfaction for your efforts, whether it be self-rewarding or even just being loved in return. when these things aren't happening, what good can you really be doing? why stick around when you're detrimental to someone and their situation?
can i be content when my source for happiness is full of revulsion and despondency?
i feel used and worn. im making attempts to do things i've only dreamed of. and there is honestly no one to blame but myself. i let it get this far...
i should try being something different.
lunaadored at 11:50 pm